My descent into what felt like hell started on a Friday afternoon on a drive to Richmond from Virginia Beach.  I was being treated for bronchitis and the doctor had recommended an inhaler that contained a stimulant.  A few  minutes after using the inhaler I noticed that my hands were shaking, I couldn’t draw a deep breath, my heart was pounding and I felt like my brain was in a fog.  Being the way I am about doctors, I tried to tough it out but it continued to get worse so I stopped at a Diary Queen to get a drink hoping it would make me feel better.  The drink of course contained caffeine…..not a good idea but it really never occurred to me that caffeine would exacerbate my symptoms.  I started feeling worse and my traveling companion freaked out worse than I did and called the rescue squad.  I was mortified and terrified.

I was taken to the nearest hospital where I had an EKG, a chest x-ray, blood work, including the very painful blood gas test and the diagnosis was PANIC ATTACK.

What the hell is that?  That’s all I remember saying to the doctor.  I left the hospital with a prescription for Xanax and things went downhill from there.

Why?  Why, what felt like all of a sudden, was I having a panic attack?  Of course, it really wasn’t all of a sudden.  My body had been through a lot of trauma in the preceding two years.  4 surgeries….two of which were major.  What I didn’t realize at the time was just how hard the treatment for endometriosis with the resultant lack of hormones, plus the 4 surgeries had seriously stressed my body out.  Oh, and the 3 times I was rear-ended while sitting at a red light in the last year hadn’t helped a whole lot. But in spite of all that,  I thought I was doing ok.  I was dealing with things….or so I thought. Lots of things added to the stress I was under including my dad’s open heart surgery for which I spent 4 weeks at my parent’s house helping my mom who didn’t drive and my dad who wasn’t allowed to drive during his recuperation. I thought I could just handle anything and everything. I found out that it all took it’s toll.

I don’t know what other’s symptoms are when an attack is coming on but the best I can remember is my heart would start racing, I would get hot, I had trouble taking a deep breath and when I hit full blown panic I felt disoriented and spacey and of course the fear was overwhelming. Not everyone has the exact same symptoms.

I’d like to say that the panic attacks didn’t last long and I got over them quickly, but that wouldn’t be the truth.  The truth is I spent almost 3 years taking more and more Xanax (in addition to the anti-depressant I had been prescribed to help me sleep prior to the panic attacks ), and in spite of the Xanax I was experiencing more and more panic attacks.  I finally decided there had to be a better answer.

I don’t want to sound like a commercial here but I have to tell the truth if I am going to tell this at all.  The thing that started me on the road to being panic attack free was the Midwest Center’s program for attacking anxiety and depression.  I learned a couple of things that were the catalyst to my recovery.  First and foremost was the fact that panic attacks will not kill you.  You can breathe through them and they will go away.  Second was learning that caffeine (any stimulant really) was not helping my situation if I was already anxious.  And last but certainly not least was that I could learn to control my thought patterns that could escalate anxiety to a panic attack.

I started using the program and within weeks I was doing better, but there was still one other contributing factor that I didn’t know about.  Some anti-depressants have the side effect of anxiety and the one I was taking was one of those.  Did I mention that I also had become agoraphobic and developed a fear of driving ?  Some antidepressants (at least the one I was on) had agoraphobia as a side effect and Xanax can have the side effect of depression.  It was a vicious cycle of one drug causing a problem the other drug was supposed to fix and vice versa.

I quit taking the anti-depressant, continued to limit caffeine and started weaning myself off the Xanax.  It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fast, but gradually I began to feel like my old self again….pre-panic attack self that is.  I found that I didn’t feel depressed which was something that started with the Xanax.  I decided that I could live life again and my way of dealing with the fear of driving was to drive cross country by myself.  The first couple of days were terrible but by the end of the trip I actually was enjoying driving again.  I don’t know that I would recommend the sink or swim approach to everyone but it worked for me.  Arriving at my destination after 2500 miles of driving by myself  was one of the biggest triumphs of my life.

Even after the panic attacks were gone I noticed I still experienced mild but pretty continuous anxiety.  I did a little research and found that taking calcium and magnesium helped to alleviate some of the anxiety and the relaxation tape I received with the program I mentioned dealt well with the remaining anxiety. I am now panic attack free but I still have occasions of anxiety which I believe to be normal for most people in uncomfortable situations. Breathing exercises, the relaxation tape and an extra magnesium capsule help in times of high stress. Positive self-talk is another key in relieving the anxiety and one that shouldn’t be discounted. What I found out was the main problem for me with panic attacks was me scaring me with my “what if” thinking.

I want to encourage anyone who suffers with panic attacks that even in the midst of the worst attacks, I never lost control, I never freaked out, I never lost my mind, I never embarrassed myself and I never harmed myself or anyone else. To my knowledge nobody has ever died from a panic attack.

I’m not suggesting everyone who has panic attacks should follow my course of action, I merely wanted to share the fact that one doesn’t have to live with panic disorder forever.  There is help, there is life on the other side. I haven’t had a panic attack for 10 years and not only am I panic attack free, I’m also depression free and the strongest drug I use is Advil.