‘He Thought a Baby Would Keep Me in His Life Forever’: When Partner Abuse Isn’t a Bruise But a Pregnant Belly
I’ve always noticed that when discussing teen pregnancy we almost always hear about the girl being careless and how teenage girls have babies in order to feel loved. What we don’t hear about is the responsibility and motivations of the boyfriends of these girls. I think viewing an unwanted pregnancy as part of a cycle of abuse is long overdue and is an area of teenage pregnancy that needs further investigation and attention.
We often depend on anecdotes to make or break our cases, a practice that is over-rated. Anecdotes are just that and not valid for determining cause and effect, but anecdotes sometimes give us insight we might not otherwise have had. I have a personal friend who found herself with an unwanted pregnancy after the boyfriend talked her into quitting the pill (for her health, of course) and who “forgot” to use a condom after a New Year’s celebration that included a lot of drinking, especially on the girl’s part. When he was told by my friend that she was pregnant his reply was “now you’re stuck with me.” She couldn’t help but feel that she was set up and she may very well have been.
Pregnancy has long been used as a means of controlling women. Girls are told to not have pre-marital sex lest they find themselves pregnant. Before the pill many women had baby after baby effectively controlling the women’s choices in life. Even women who want to have lots of children should have some say so in the when of a pregnancy.
Now, instead of analyzing a teenage girl’s pregnancy in the vein of why she wanted to get pregnant, it is imperative that we analyze the reasons behind the pregnancy in light of the father’s motivations. Do these men and boys risk the pregnancy, sometimes even ensuring a pregnancy by refusing to use condoms are destroying the girls’ birth control, in order to control the girls, to prove their manhood, or just out of indifference to the plight of the girl with the unwanted pregnancy?
I can’t help but think of the fictional piece The Handmaid’s Tale, a novel that explores a world where this is a class of women used specifically for reproduction. Upon birth the baby was turned over to the ruling class wife of the father of the child. While fictional and far fetched the novel gives us some insight into the trap that fertility can be for a woman.
Whether the idea of pregnancy as a form of abuse and control is completely valid or not we need to put aside simplistic answers to a complicated problem……the problem of unwanted teen pregnancies.
Intimate partner violence doesn’t always show up in police photos as swollen bruises. Instead, the evidence might be the victim’s pregnant belly.
Janey (not her real name) was 19 when she fell “head over heels” for a guy six years her senior.He moved in just weeks after their first date, which was before she learned about the cheating. When she confronted him, repeatedly, he raped her, repeatedly. When she told him to move out, he threatened her with more violence. Meanwhile, condoms: not happening. Hormonal birth control like the Pill, she says, made her sick.
“The first time I got pregnant against my will, I had the baby,” she says. Along with several STDs. (He’d been her only partner.) After a stint in jail for violating an ex’s order of protection, he was back, promising never to hurt her, gushing about family happiness.
The — yes — second pregnancy occurred when she’d run out of money for emergency contraception, having purchased it more than 10 times before from her college nurse. He refused to help her pay for an abortion. “He thought another baby would keep me in his life forever,” Janey says.
[snip]
Jill A. Murray, Ph.D., a leading author and expert on teen dating violence, does counseling in high school teen-mother programs. Of one recent group, she says, “every single one of the girls was in an abusive relationship, of which the pregnancy or the child was a product.”
The problem is so widespread, in fact, that public-health advocates are working to cast teen pregnancy in a whole new light: not as a measure of “promiscuity,” or a failure of cluefulness, but rather as a canary in the coal mine of partner violence.
“We have to treat pregnancy itself as a warning sign,” says Murray. “I always tell other counselors that I’m training, ‘When you see a pregnant teen girl, always, always assess for an abusive relationship, because 99 percent of the time, that will be the case.’ ”
Of course, not all teenage girls are 100 percent averse to getting pregnant. But that doesn’t mean they’re in healthy relationships.
“Teen pregnancy is likely emerging out of unhealthy relationships,” says Miller. “That’s not the only mechanism for teen pregnancy, but it is an important one that we’ve managed to miss for a very long time.”




June 30th, 2009 at 9:30 am
The article is so logical it makes you wonder what took so long to figure it out.
June 30th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I don’t understand these young men. I am a child of th 70’s,, teenager of the 80’s and back then….. there was just very little of this going on. OF COURSE logic tells me that there was more of it , even then, than meets the eye. But it seems, as much as child molesters are growing in numbers by leaps and bounds, so are domestic abusers. I have a neighbor with twin girls who are now about 25 ish. I saw them grow up , watched them, knew them well. One of them is now married to a wife beater. She was such a strong independant girl and the other twin was meek and quiet. Just never the kind of girl you would THINK would tolerate that for asecond from anyone. They got married because she was pregnant…… now she’s got 2 children. She met this boy in her first or 2nd year of HIGH SCHOOl and has been with him since. Her daddy has beaten his ass more than once for hitting his daughter….. just doesn’t seem to matter.
Sage Reply:
June 30th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
I don’t get it either. I don’t remember any physical abuse cases from high school either, but I think parents were more involved with their kids back then.
In the mid 70’s we did rescue a woman from an abusive marriage. She was 19 years old, married and thought she deserved being beaten because her life had been “easy” except for the abortion the husband insisted she have. She was doing penance for the abortion I think. We called her parents and put her on a bus home but not before a nasty confrontation with her husband. We had to call the cops on him.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
A woman I went to high school with (40 yrs ago) recently found me on facebook and told me what her life was like. Alcoholic abusive mother and sexually abusive step Dad. She told no one. She said when she was 16 she threatened her stp father with a knife and he left her alone after that. that was our senior year. She left home and eventually totally changed her name. She decided at some point to not to think of herself as a victim. I remember her as a timid shy girl.
The point is, it WAS happenening and the incidence may even have been in greater numbers. It just wasn’t spoken about as there was no recourse. The victims were victimized all over again by the police, the courts and society with the message that somehow they deserved it. They tempted the pervy perp. because you wore a mini skirt, were out after dark, walking alone, had breasts, were female and my favorite “boys will be boys”.
Going further back, I recently got a letter from a woman who went to high school with my parents, in the 1930’s in a small town in WI. The country kids often lived in town in apartments together. She spoke of one of her room mates having to drop out of high school and get married because of a pregnancy.In the same town in 1970, my grandmothers neighbors daughter married her sweetheart her senior year….he was going to vietnam. She was not pregnant but not allowed in gym class because she was “A married woman”.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Another thing. when I lived way out in the country I had one of those outside storm door covering a stone stairway to my cellar. I left it unlocked for two women in the valley as access to my house if I wasn’t home because both had abusive hubbies. Both used it and were free to use the phone or wait for me to come home and take them somewhere. If they left before I got home, I could always tell they had been there. The older one always tidied up the baby changing table and clothes and the other would clean something.
July 1st, 2009 at 7:02 am
Another thing is ‘back in the day’ people were ashamed to talk about such things EVEN if they were happening to others. There were so many taboo subjects and even though a lot of ADULTS may have known what was going on with a teen being abused or molested, they would not say. Probably because of the ‘what would we do then’ aspect. So you tell the police a man is abusing his daughter, and they would do WHAT? Tell him to stop ? There were not resources and as much information now. ALSO,,, back then I think the general population thought once the abuse is STOPPED, everything will be fine. No one knew until much later ( even though it seems obvious) that the scars would be with the child for life.
I was a teenager before I knew one of my great uncles was a repeat sex offender and only then because one of my uncles told me!When he said it , my mom said to him ” hush your mouth”,, she was still in the protect the perp. mode and thought it would bring SHAME on her family name if someone knew the truth. In the 60’s this man was castrated by the state of AZ. Now tell me how extreme a pedo you gotta be in the 60’s to be castrated? I would say his victim list is very long. Where do you suppose those victims are today? Probably, with no counseling, a big majority of them are alcoholics, drug addicts, OCD sufferers and of course some are pedophiles themselves.
Oh,,,,lest I forget,,, he too ( like my other pedo. family member) was an extremely well known and respected Pastor
Sage Reply:
July 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I think we would all be shocked at how many people were sexually abused in their childhood. I was but not by a family member. I didn’t tell anyone until I was 25 years old.
July 1st, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Children had no rights back then. Like women, their legal standing was pretty much the equivalent of chattel. ie when I was hospitalized in college at 17, I had to ask my folks what was wrong with me (2000 miles away) The Drs. wouldn’t tell me only take this x times a day.
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Wow, what a stunning percentage, 99%, of these cases involving teenage pregnancy having an undercurrent of unexposed abuse yet to be uncovered–absolutely mind-boggling, especially when one considers the outcome/dynamics of the couples involved who do not seek intervention, but yet impact the lives of their off-spring…low whistle–certainly not a cycle/legacy to encourage. Innocent children and females alike deserve better treatment, choices and outcomes.
Wizcon, with apologies to that famous Virginia Slims commercial(“you’ve come a long ways…”) it’s encouraging that females of today are finally beginning to recieve the R*E*S*P*E*C*T they have always deserved.
Stopped in briefly to wish Sage and all of you guys a safe and Happy 4th of July weekend celebration.
PS: Several days ago there was an eBay listing where a seller was/is attempting to pull a Chief Sammy Korir, essentially saying he/she had within their possession, yes, you may have guessed already, President Obama’s actual original birth-certificate from a hospital in Mombassa, Kenya…
http://www.youtube.com/user/InspectorSmith (purposely omitted the full link because I’m not sure if Sage wants/allows them on her site, but trust that if anyone here wants to investigate further–if someone hasn’t already, you guys are tops at Gracing(Grace) and Slugging(Sluggo)out Korir like antics.
Again, have a safe and Happy 4th of July weeeknd celebration.
Al Reply:
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
with apologies to Sage, thought I had made a good faith attempt to remove the http: before inserting the rest of the link.
“weeeknd”–lol.
Sage Reply:
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
No problem and no apology necessary. How are you Al? Good to see you and thanks for the link. I’ll check it out.